Thought for the day

The Eleven Virgins, 2006

Dob in a Cronulla Redneck!

Two Beggars in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing".

Passionate Masturbator!

Those crazy Germans at it again!

Jellybeans

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his mum was watching him.

The kid had a bag of jellybeans. He put one in his mouth, ate it, grabbed the cat and bit it.

The kid then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, ate it, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.

His mum wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.

"I'm playing truckies, said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin'on."

I love beer!

Moe girls....

A Moe girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress" she says. "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No" she replies, "This time it's mayonnaise".

Another Moe girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor:
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed"
Sharon: "Ok"
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefits. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "10" replies the Moe girl. "10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?". "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne". "Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the council worker. "Naah..." says the Moe girl, "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."."What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Moe girl... "I just use their surnames"

Moe girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall". She says "I'll take the red one". The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher".

Moe girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site:
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Moe, mate"

A Moe girl was driving down the Gippsland Hwy when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Gippie Highway. Please be careful!". "It's not just one car!" said the Moe girl, there are hundreds of them!"

A Moe girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Moe girl notices something strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why duz one of your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?" So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me left foot". "Aw geez, exclaims the Moe girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

You gotta love Robin Williams

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams......

Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassadors to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

One of those days!

New Years at the Rochford Winery

Funky, Roche and Simone

Athena and Adrian

Sarah, Roche and Simone

Cath and I

Sarah, Cath and Athena

Simone, Sarah and Athena

Darwin Awards

Always good for a chuckle!

6th Runner Up: A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

5th Runner Up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

4th Runner Up: Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

3rd Runner Up: A man at a West Virginia party placed a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

2nd Runner Up: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

1st runner up: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, who decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John --100 pounds heavier than Sal - to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken state, Sal put the truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half naked, with scratches, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air. Congratulations, gentlemen......

London Tube Announcements

The following are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down here and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

Humpday humour

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

NYE 2005 - Will we see you there?

Is this what the Rednecks want?

Bus Gag

A hippie spies a pretty young nun on a bus. He sits down next to her and asks her:

"Can we have sex?"

No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

A National Disgrace....you'd better believe it!

Pure White Trash

Yesterdays riots at Cronulla beach were a sad, disgraceful reflection of the attitude of a growing number of Australians. It was the purest example of racism I've seen in my lifetime in this country, sickening and angering me like never before. Pure white trash. And it's not just drunken teenagers, it was adult men, adult women, parents and children, all preciously trying to protect "their" majority Anglo-Saxon turf. Well I wish you all the worst, and pray your despicable cause is a lost one. And I hope the NSW Police commissioner is true to his word, and tracks down the leaders, bigots and racists the lot of them, and locks them up. I hear there's a large Lebanese population in Goulburn jail....send them there....and lets see how proud they are then.

To wear an Australian flag around your neck while you're calling for innocent people to be lynched, or beating up bypassers in the street, is a national disgrace. I only hope the vast majority of Australians agree with me and speak out to stop this madness before it gets out of hand. If you think being a friend of the US gives us a poor reputation in the world, read some of the feedback from around the globe and cringe again!

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,17536213%255E601,00.html
Source: The Australian

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/25392EAD-F120-4ACA-AF94-2C0E5D6BA23E.htm
Source: Aljazeera.net

http://www.guardian.co.uk/australia/story/0,,1665189,00.html
Source: The Guardian

All I need for Xmas!

Australian Workplace Agreements

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Death Clause
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your can show that your death will not affect productivity.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Who wants some candy?

Who said men weren't sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes ....

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Humpday Humour

Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:

Firstly there is "Who Represents", a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com

Second is the "Experts Exchange", a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island": www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? www.therapistfinder.com

And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the "Mole Station Native Nursery", based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/

Thanks for the shirt dad!

Thought for the day!

Blonde chick asking for trouble!

World Cup Finals - Germany 2006

Here we go here we go here we go!

And if you think we're not excited, check out this little home video taken from inside Tesltra Stadium moments before and after the final penalty kick by Australian John Aloisi! Turn up the sound!!!

www.footballoz.com/video/Socceroos/Destiny06.html

Who did we beat to qualify?

Celebrating Australia's victory over Uruguay!!!

Monday morning with the Minister

This morning the Victorian Minister for Transport Peter Batchelor MP headed out to Narre Warren South to announce a new service from Dandenong to Narre Warren South, as well as increased frequencies on some of our existing services. The services are expected to commence by February 1 2006, and are a step towards the governemnts 20/20 vision, that is, 20% of all trips taken in Melbourne to be on public transport by the year 2020. Good luck minister!

And the forecast for France is...

A New Approach to Family Violence

This photo appears in a new booklet produced by the Victorian Government outlining a new approach to family violence. While the make-up artists clearly did a fine job in tranforming me into an aggressive looking male in need of counseling, let me assure all my readers (both of you), that it's only a photo. My state needed me, and with free movie tickets on offer, how could I refuse?

For more information, go to: www.women.vic.gov.au

Snapshot from Seaworld!

Halloween costume of the week

WorkChoices?

Disney humour?

New Kate Moss Advertisement

Lucky bugger...

Two Arab Mothers....

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad chatting over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old". "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides, "a suicide bomber". "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21". "Oh, I remember him" says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly, "a car bomber". "Oh gracious me" says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18" she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says..."Aah they blow up so fast, don't they?".

Jimmy and the Croc

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the pool

Nemesis of escaped Nazis dies

Those of you that don't know who Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal (1908 - 2005) was should read some of the articles about him in today's papers. For myself, being a child of refugee parents and having almost all my extended family murdered during the holocaust, he was a champion for the survivors and the dead.

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,16671573%255E601,00.html
Source: The Australian

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/BB734D84-62CA-489E-8337-592E8C19DA58.htm
Source: Aljazeera.net

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/news.php3?id=90166
Source: Arutz Sheva

Ungodly humour...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattered across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring....

Humpday Humour

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

* 1 litre of Milk,
* a carton of eggs,
* a litre of orange juice,
* a head of lettuce,
* a 500g can of coffee, and
* a kilo package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Help has finally arrived in New Orleans!

Gas Prices!

Monash Gryphons

This Saturday, 10th of September, the Monash Gryphons Reserves Grade team will be playing in the Grand Final against St. Johns. Come down and support the boys as they try to make history by winning the clubs first premiership. The game is at Preston City Oval, Preston at 11.30am. Hope to see the entire Gryphon Army there!!!

International Symbol for Marriage

Be the ball kitty!

Bronwyn Bishop - Surely you jest

It appears that Bronwyn Bishop has a big mouth, even bigger hair, but little or nothing in between as she too calls for a ban on headscarfs for Muslin girls in public schools. "It has become the icon, the symbol of the clash of cultures, and it runs much deeper than a piece of cloth". As deep and a crucifix Bronny?

http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/bishop-defends-headscarf-comments/2005/08/29/1125167579957.html

In a world of converging cultures, it seems to me that too many people are being panicked into losing the plot. If we are to have any hope of continuing to live together we need to start celebrating diversity, not censoring it.

I was fortunate enough to attend both a Jewish school and an Anglican school. Though at the time I surely didn't appreciate it, today I realize that having had exposure to two different religions at a young age made me a wiser person and more tolerant towards people of different cultures. I was also able to see how ignorant people exposed to only one faith were of others, and how that ignorance resulted in racism, or cultural supremacy as the German's might have put it.

We live in a multicultural society, and whether we like it or not it is here to stay. We need to educate children on the different cultures of the world so that they do not grow up fearing people with other beliefs or customs, some of whom might be living as close as next door. Public schools are a snapshot of the suburbs they educate, and it is surely ignorance of the highest magnitude to think that the separation of church and state means banning people from wearing crucifixes, kippahs, veils or turbans at school. You may as well try to ban them in public altogether. Just because the French were stupid enough to try it, doesn't mean we should. Different religions exist. We need to acknowledge them, accept them, and teach the differences to children, not try to conceal it from them. If kids can learn Calculus, Stoichiometry, Shakespeare and Australian history, then surely we can expand our RE classes to educate kids on all the major religions in our society today.

Celebrate cultural diversity, don't censor it.

It's a girl!

At 1.30pm today I became an uncle for the second time. My sister Judi and her husband Andrew are now the proud parents of a baby girl, Tara Lena Rotstein. Congratulations to both of you. I hope to have a picture up soon.

Dave and Stacey

Dave met Stacey in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Stacey invited Dave to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Stacey began tenderly stroking Dave's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Dave comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Stacey replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine"

Judge explains why Korp was excluded from will

Justice Mandie QC is a close family friend, and the smartest man I've ever met. My dad often remarked that he wouldn't have done nearly as well at law school himself if it hadn't been for Philip. Now a Supreme Court Judge, his ruling in the Korp case yesterday was outstanding, finding that at a minimum Joe Korp bore "considerable moral responsibility" for the ultimate death of his wife. In what has to be one of the messiest cases in some time, it's refreshing to see some judges can still see the light through the trees and are able to make decisions that reflect the communities expectations. Innocent men don't hang themselves and orphan their own children.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/judge-explains-why-korp-was-excluded-from-will/2005/08/18/1123958182732.html

All You Can Eat

Blonde Joke

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne!"

Who wants to be a Millionaire?

What a peanut!!!

Royksoff's New CD

"The Understanding"

It took a while to arrive, but I now have a copy of the new Royksoff CD, and it's as awesome as the first. While in Berlin in 2001, Sascha introduced me to the electronic sounds of this Norwegian group with their debut album Melody A.M. He gave me a copy of it, and I have listened to it more than any other CD I own over the last four years. Now their new album is out, and it's as addictive as the first. Get yourself a copy, even if you have to order it in.

For more information go to: http://www.royksopp.com/

Ouch

Who wouldn't want this job!!!

Schapelle and her Hotman

I'll be frank, and this is obviously only my opinion: I have never believed Schapelle Corby was innocent. Stupid maybe, but not innocent. My belief was formed the first day I saw her being taken into custody by Indonesian officials, and almost everything I've seen and read since has only strengthened this opinion. I believe it's a million times more likely she or someone close to her put the drugs in her bag as opposed to the defense notion that someone involved in an elaborate drug syndicate put them there.

So why am I writing about her today?

Because her Mercedes Benz driving "LA Law" style showpony of a lawyer makes me sick, and his comments today sum up why. This is what Hotman Paris Hutapeahe had to say today in blaming us, the Australian people, for letting our government "abandon" Schapelle:

"Your country, your people, always think you are the best human being (sic) in the Earth, but in fact your bloody airport, sending all marijuana to my own country, look at the Bali nine. So don't say any more that Australians are the most human law-abiders. In fact your front yard is very dirty." So, according to Hotman, it is now every Australians fault that Schapelle will not have her appeal upheld, and we are all responsible for the drugs trafficked into Indonesia. He also complained that our Justice Minister wouldn't fly to Bali to meet him even though he was in Jakarta, yet Hotman himself wouldn't fly to Jakarta for the meeting because he was "too busy". "The one who destroyed this case is the Australian Government," he says. Pathetic.

I don't believe Schapelle is innocent. At best, I'd say she was indirectly responsible. I don't believe her family are telling the truth: how can I when they've lied on national television, plus the fact that they now refer to Ron Bakir, who increased Australian public awareness of her case enormously, as the "black knight". And now I'm tired of reading and hearing about how little we've done for her, especially from a man who tried bringing an Indonesian TV star into his team to bolster public opinion. Sorry Hotman, but facts and facts alone will overturn Schapelle's guilty verdict. Your berating of the Australian government and now the Australian people only serves to diminish any sympathy I have left for Schapelle.

I wonder how many times he'll visit her in the next 20 years!

Bring your drinking shoes

Let's face facts, Europe's being run by cowards

Since the September 11 attack, and then the Bali attack, I have firmly believed the Europeans (Britain and Italy excluded) have had their heads in the sand. Read this fantastic article in one of today's papers that articulates an opinion I share.

Germany is even proposing creating an official state Muslim holiday to appease those who seek to destroy society as we know it. "Mein Gott!", it's no wonder I'm considering canceling my planned trip there in 2006!

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,16110719%5E28737,00.html

Source: The Australian

Believe it or not

Sign of the times

Monkey business!

Complaint Department

For my left leaning friends....

Source: dailyflute.com